With all the stories that keep coming up about how parents are utilizing Facebook as a tool to discipline their children, I'm really glad I was raised during an age when the latest-greatest technology was color TV. During that era, so long ago, discipline might've been no TV for a week! Hard to imagine now how harsh a punishment that was since we were being denied access to a mere total of 4 networks. But harsh it was, enough to keep us eating our vegetables, doing homework, and completing our household chores...at least most of the time.
It must be written in the "I am the parent - you are the kid" handbook, that it is not necessary to have a direct correlation between the real or perceived offense and the punishment. Ignoring the responsibility of feeding and walking the dog could earn the penalty of cleaning bathrooms. Refusing to eat green beans could result in doing the weekly ironing. It was the parental privilege to mete out the punishment as they saw fit. Other than the very few close friends the violation was confessed to, the incident stayed behind closed doors. Probably where the roots of the iconic Las Vegas slogan was born: what happens at home, stays at home.
Facebook seems to have changed all that. The recent story about an Ohio mother who chose to punish her daughter publicly via Facebook takes a disciplinary action from the privacy of home to the internet public. MSNBC has the story: Mom who used Facebook to discipline teen has no regrets. In summary, the 13 year old girl was disrespectful in the way she talked to her mother. In response the mother posted a picture on the girl's Facebook timeline that contained the following message: "I do not know how to keep my (mouth shut) I am no longer allowed on Facebook or my phone. Please ask why, my mom says I have to answer everyone that asks."
Both the girl and the mother claim she learned her lesson and will likely not re-offend in the same manner again. I think it's abuse. Even though this continues on the no correlation between the offense and the punishment path, this isn't an issue of clean the garage because you left the milk out. It's retaliation in a most public and humiliating way. And while the girl was duly punished, Mom is enjoying some bit of celebrity as she's being interviewed by various news outlets.
Perhaps life really was easier when an earlier generation was deprived access to TV for not eating liver and onions. With only 4 networks there was no room for the reality glimpses like this of disfunctional parenting.
What do you think? Do you think this mother was justified in her choice of discipline?
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The mother's disciplinary action is really shameful and rude. Your post sheds light on the importance of having a correlation between the deed and the "punishment." Kids need to be raised by their parents and parents in many cases fail to do anything because they are either too busy or too lazy or simply couldn't care. Here, however, the mom's behavior almost seems to rise to the level of defamation. This is a private, family matter and as such discipline should be kept within the walls of the household unless it involves other people.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting Tony. It just seems sick. It's almost like the mother is in competition with the daughter and she can now claim she won. She better hope the girl doesn't try to figure out a way to top it.
DeleteHumiliation is never an appropriate form of discipline. It's mean-spirited and cruel.
ReplyDeleteI agree, it's mean-spirited and cruel. Let's see...the punishment for being disrespectful is being treated disrespectfully? Pure craziness. Thanks for the comments Kris, I appreciate it.
DeleteVery true! It often seems that parents and authority figures punish misbehavior by repeating the act. All that does is reinforces that if you just "have the power", it's okay to do anything.
DeleteThis is the first time, I think, that I'm gonna have to disagree with you. Speaking as someone who is dealing with a strong willed and defiant child...I don't think this is abuse. Is it something I would personally do? No. But I can see how it can happen IF (big if) nothing else is working. I've tried everything short of posting publicly like that on FB with my son, from groundings to physical labor...none of them work on him. Heck, I was researching boot camps! lol I just went and read the story (I must have been in a hole somewhere, because this is the first I've heard of it)...and after hearing what she had to say, I'm more in support of her. It's still not something I would personally do, but if it works...not gonna knock it.
ReplyDeleteThe guy that shot his daughter's laptop and posted it on FB...I applauded him...BUT...then there was the fallout...CPS investigating them, the media wouldn't leave him alone, etc etc etc. He says that if he had known the reaction he would get...how big it would all get, he probably wouldn't have done it. So...you really have to take all of that into account before doing something like this, in this day and age.
I remember once when I was 15...my dad was preaching in church, and I was sitting with my boyfriend and friends in the very back. We started whispering back and forth and giggling. My dad, from the pulpit, called me down by name. I will never forget it. I was soooooo embarrassed and mad...I mean, he did that in front of the whole church! But it worked. I never uttered a word again with my friends during a church service! You wouldn't catch me sitting in back whispering and giggling again! I was so mad at him, but...it worked. Was that abusive? No. Granted, it was on a much smaller scale than what this woman did...since we didn't end up on a morning news show...but that was a public humiliation.
MBF, you are so allowed to disagree! Thank you for taking the time to articulate your position so clearly. Teenagers are challenging (that I know from first-hand experience) and effective forms of discipline are hard to enforce. But I still don't think humiliation is the answer. As for the lesson you learned from your father - in that situation the punishment was right in line with the misbehavior. Smart man.
DeleteI don't think humiliation is the answer either. I don't think there really is a cookie cutter answer, because each situation is different, each parent and child is different. What works for one, may not work for another. I'm happy to just call it a difference in parenting styles. And you are right...my father was a smart man ;)
ReplyDeleteI agree with those who don't believe public humiliation on Facebook is an appropriate or an effective means of parenting. In this case the mother missed the opportunity to correct her daughter's backtalk in front of her daughter's 3 friends right on the spot. She falied to act in a timely manner and decided to act like a revenge seeking troll on Facebook - unacceptable! I think this was an ill thought out and mean spirted move. What she has now created is a tit-for-tat set up as at age 13 the daughter can have her own account that here mother will not have access to.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting TT. You make a good point that the mother missed the opportunity to correct her daughter right on the spot. I expect the mother will get her 'pay-back' via all the negativity that'll prevail long after her glimpse of celebrity has passed.
DeleteI think parents in general and this mother in particular take themselves all too seriously, expecting total obedience and submissiveness from their children. I'd hate to raise a child who didn't have a spark of rebelliousness, who didn't from time to time assert their spirit of independence. If she had a quarrel with her husband, would she handle it the same way, trying to humiliate him publicly; or would she attempt to resolve it though some means of inter-personal communication?
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments NP. I think you're right, parents just know that kids are going to push the boundaries as a way of asserting their independence. It's not necessarily a picnic to deal with the issues all the time but as TT mentioned above, the woman missed the opportunity to correct the action on the spot. There are ways to let kids know what is expected without humiliating them.
DeleteI think that this is wrong, in every way. Specifically, with this Facebook incident, it is definitely taking it "outside of the home". Shaming your child into doing something the way you want it done, or humiliating them into not doing something again is never the answer. It will lead them to never trust you again, and to not come to their parents when they have something that they need guidance on.
ReplyDeleteYou should talk to your children when something happens, and see where they're coming from. In my opinion, this is just another way of saying, "I am the parent (or adult); you are the child. Therefore, you must respect and obey me no matter what."
Even as a parent, everyone must earn respect. If both parties (the child and the parent[s]) don't know where the other is coming from, it WILL NOT get better. They might stop the behavior, but trust, respect, and a lot of other issues will come up.
I think that the best way to solve an issue is to calm down, think about what you want to say, and talk about it rationally. Brute force or humiliation just don't resolve the actual problem.
Thanks for commenting JMPO, I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and, of course, I agree too. In particular I like your line "the best way to solve an issue is to calm down, think about what you want to say" - I think that is really good advice to anyone using social media for any reason.
DeleteTo each their own I say... I cant say I would do that to my own daughter but times have changed. Where just taking things away from a child or their privileges doesnt work. I discipline my little girl with time outs for now. But when she gets older and all my tricks are not working I might just go to this extreme.
ReplyDeleteI remember my little brother when he was little that he would moon everyone in school. My mother worked with him on taking away everything from no TV to no friends but he laughed in her face and did it again to where he got suspended for the 3rd time. My mom picked him up from school and made walk bare butt for a block in public. I tell you that my little brother never did any reckless thing again. This happened 10 years ago and my little brother(23) and mother love each other very much.
When the time comes to it, it needs to be done with some children not all. Like the TV program Scared Straight not all of those troubled and misbehaved teen go back to the right path.
Thank you for commenting and pointing out the fact that not all kids can be handled the same way, hence the different parenting styles. I've been thinking about your brother's mooning phase and realize I don't really know how I would've handled that same situation if everything else failed. I'm thinking I would've gotten him some professional counseling in an attempt to uncover his need to continue this behavior. But I know counseling isn't always the answer and kids can oftentimes push parents to the edge of insanity. There is so much I don't know, but what I DO know is parenting is hard work. Thanks again for commenting.
DeleteHaving recently encountered a situation with my Grandchild and being at our wits end as to how to reach her. We decided to punish her with the tool , with which she committed the offense. Having posted a picture of her chest publicly on FB we will now publish a pic of her on her FB page with a sign stating what she did and why she will no longer have access to her FB or her cell phone ( which is how she published the pic to FB) .. Holding her accountable for actions ..
ReplyDelete